As the dawn was breaking over the horizon, The Hat walked in slow motion to his parked car.
Inspirational music played in the background.
"As the new day starts," a disembodied voice began, with a deep, rugged quality found only in Chevy truck commercials, "a new season of Hat Adventures begins.
"This is the season The Hat refines his abilities as a future physician.
"This is the season The Hat finds out where he will go for residency training."
The Hat climbed into his car, and slammed the door behind him.
"Who knows, maybe this will be the season The Hat will find other things.
"But, first and foremost, this is the season The Hat finds his car won't start."
The HatMobile'e engine tried to turn over, but it wasn't quite doing it.
Angry honking disturbed nearby birds, who burst out of bushes and treetops.

Inside a room partitioned off by a curtain, a man sat in a gurney. His arm was draped, with a hole cut out in the material. The hole was situated over a large, deep cut, which was halfway sewn.
Next to him was a small table with suture tools and supplies on top of it.
On his other side, his wife sat in a chair.
He looked at his watch.
She cleared his throat.
Suddenly, The Hat walked in, and closed the curtain behind him.
"I'm sorry again. Hopefully I'll be able to finish the job this time."
"It's all right," the patient said. "I understand."
The Hat sat himself in front of the wounded arm, and put on a new set of sterile gloves. "Does this hurt?" he asked, as he poked the wound edge with syringe needle.
The patient nodded. "'Fraid it does."
"Okay, I'm going to numb it up again, and then I can sew this thing shut. Pinch and a burn." The Hat injected some solution into the wound edge. He continued until the whole area was anesthetized.
The Hat grabbed the needle and thread with a pair of clamps, and set to make another stitch in the wound.
In the next bay, the Code Blue alarm was sounded.
The Hat frowned, as his shoulders sagged.
"Go!" the patient finally said. "I'm not going to die."
The Hat apologized as he put down the tools, and pulled off his gloves. He took one final look at the patient, before he walked out.
From the next room, rapid orders were barked out, and strange numbers announced.
The patient and his wife laughed, as they suddenly heard through the wall "Can we get this woman an ICU bed before she dies again??" 		_
The Hat


Ptery the Pterodactyl


The Yuppie


The Pager


The Palm Pilot


/\/\ Continuing
__/____\____________
|HEHA| Adventures

Today's Episode:
"Season Premiere – Violent Video Games ARE the Solution"

Guest Starring



Patient


Patient's Wife


Tow-Truck Operator


Course Director


Medical Students


Doctor


Emergency Simulator Mannequin ("Manny")

7:15 AM
25 August 2003
Secret Lair of The Hat

The Hat, standing by his car, hung up his cell phone, and put it to his hip. "Triple-A will be here in fifteen," he told the Yuppie. "which will hopefully get me to school in time for orientation at eight."
The Yuppie nodded. "Definitely going to be tight. Remember, this is your emergency medicine rotation. You need a solid gold letter of recommendation to get in to a good residency."
"Remind me! Make this moment more stressful!"
Silence.
Birds cautiously ventured back into bushes and treetops.
"You think it's the battery?" the Yuppie asked.
"What else could it be? The engine wasn't turning over."
"It just sounded ... different."
"Are either of us car mechanics?"
The Yuppie shot The Hat a glance. "You are more than capable of looking under a car hood as if you know what's going on!"
The Hat rolled his eyes. "That's just my Y Chromosome!"
The two huffed, crossed their arms, and turned away.
Time-lapse photography engaged.
The day grew brighter.
The Yuppie enjoyed a cup of coffee.
The Hat did jumping jacks.
Then, he did some shadow boxing.
Then, a neighbor's dog chased him off-screen.
A moment later, it came back on, clutching The Hat's Hat in his mouth, with The Hat in hot pursuit. They both ran off screen.
As normal-speed cinematography resumed, The Hat came back on screen, rumpled, sweaty, and with a slobber-moist Hat on his head.
The Yuppie, finishing his coffee, looked at The Hat. "You can't keep out of trouble for fifteen minutes, can you?"
"It was almost thirty!"
"Oh, well there's an explanation."
"Speaking of which, where is that tow-truck? We're going to be more than fashionably late at this rate."
Not looking up, the Yuppie pointed his hand in the direction of the in-coming tow-truck.
The Hat frowned at him.
The tow-truck operator climbed out, and began to hook up the car for a jump.
With The Hat behind the wheel, the engine tried to turn over, but still didn't seem to do it.
After looking a the hook-ups, the operator shook his head. "Looks like it needs more than a jump. What do you want me to do?"
The Hat squinted his eyes, and calmly said "Leadership powers," as he put his hand to his brow, looking out into the distance.
"Okay," The Hat continued, "You'll tow my car to the garage, but after you tow me to the hospital."
The operator hesitated for a moment, before beginning to hitch up the car.
The Yuppie came up to The Hat. "So that ... 'Leadership Powers' ... thing ... you gonna be doing that the whole season?"
The Hat shrugged. "Dunno. You know this show is a work in progress."
The Yuppie rolled his eyes. "More like a work in regress."

8:30 AM
Emergency Medicine Conference Room
Medical College of Virginia

"Our prodigal student," the course director said, handing The Hat an orientation packet, "has returned."
The Hat shied away. "My car wouldn't start."
The director nodded. "Not very original, but sometimes too much originality impedes believability."
The Hat sat down, and began to read the packet, as the director discussed the curriculum.
He finished discussing the emergency simulation mannequin, and asked for questions.
The Hat raised his hand. "I'm sorry, you may have discussed this already, but department core lectures Wednesday afternoon ... I'm scheduled to teach Foundations of Clinical Medicine Wednesday afternoons ..."
The director nodded. "Well, you'll just have to decided which one is more important then, won't you?" He paused, stepped towards The Hat, and leaned in. "Understand?"
The Hat put on a saccharin smile. "Perfectly, sir."

1:45 PM
Emergency Mannequin Simulation Room

A doctor was discussing how the mannequin could be programed to go into various states of dire distress, and how it could simulate the physical symptoms – heart beat, breath sounds, eye blinking, etc. - and how it would respond to therapies the "doctors" administered.
The Hat was looking at his Palm Pilot. "Looks like no reign of evil for you – at least for the next month," it displayed.
The Hat pouted, and shook his head. "I really wanted to impress upon the students how important FCM is, and how they shouldn't blow it off as a fluff course. And what do I do? Not show up the first two sessions!"
"Doctor Hat," the doctor called. "Are you paying attention?"
The Hat put the Palm Pilot away. "Yes, sir."
"Good. That means you're ready to direct your team members here in the next code." The doctor pushed a button on the computer, and the mannequin began to breath rapidly, and blink sluggishly.
All eyes were on The Hat.
"Umm ..." he looked at the monitor. "Fresh set of vitals, please."
A student obliged, pressing a button on the monitor. A blood pressure cuff around the dummy's arm inflated.
"Pulse ox, please." To the dummy, "Sir, can you tell me what's happened?"
"He makes eye contact, gurgles incoherently, and clumsily beats on his chest," the doctor announced, thumping the flat of his hand on the right side of his chest.
The Hat looked at the monitor. Pulse high. Blood pressure low. Pulse ox dropping. "Two lines, normal saline opened as fast as it will go. Oxygen, fifteen by mask." To the dummy, "Sir, do you take any medications, or are you allergic to any medications."
"More gurgling, but he manages to shake his head."
"Ummm ... heart sounds?"
Somebody listened. "Rapid but regular. No extra sounds."
"Uhhh ... breath sounds?"
"Can't hear anything on the right. Rapid but normal on the left."
All eyes again on The Hat. He looked at the dummy.
It wasn't opening it's eyes anymore.
"Ohh ... crud ... chest x-ray."
The doctor pushed a button on the computer. The monitor beeped, as all the lines flattened out. "The patient died before the tech could arrive."
The Hat looked at the doctor, and then at the dummy.
"Airway!," the doctor said. "Right at the top of the ABC's. If you'd've asked, you'd know it was deviated to the left. "This patient was begging you for a needle decompression!"
The Hat sunk his hands in his pockets, and turned his eyes away.
"All right, who's next!" the doctor said, as another medical student stepped up to take The Hat's place.
The Hat's pager vibed. "You have a voicemail," it displayed.
The Hat walked out of the loud room as his cell phone dialed.
"Hello, Mister Hat. This is the garage. Ummm ... your car started up just fine. We looked around, couldn't find nothing wrong. So ... you're credit card was just charged for the tow ... and ... your car's waiting in our lot. Thank you, have a nice day."
The Hat put his cell phone away, and nodded his head.

5:30 PM
Information Desk

The phone behind the desk projected the ringing on the other side of the line through the speaker.
The Hat and the desk attendant stared at the phone.
The attendant hung up the phone. "The taxi company doesn't seem to be picking up," she said.
"Any other companies we can call?"
"We've already called all the ones that regularly come to the hospital."
"Please, call the ones that irregularly come. I'm desperate."
The attendant shrugged, put on speaker phone, and dialed another number.

6:00 PM
Front of Hospital

Numerous cars were pulling in and out the circular driveway, dropping people off, and picking people up.
The Hat was talking on his cell phone. "No ... no. I understand. I'm in exactly the same situation you are in. Yeah, good luck to you too." He hung up.
The Palm Pilot beeped.
The Hat pulled it out. "All the FCM subs are also in important rotations for their careers, and can't substitute for me. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"You left a message on couple machines. Maybe one of them will help."
"I don't see that as a statistically likely possibility."
"Stop being a pessimist. That's my job."
A cab drove up to the driveway ... and then past it, on up the street.
"Great. And where is my cab? They said they're right around the corner. Who knows how many old ladies I pushed over to get here ASAP."
"That's what you get for ordering from Irregular Taxi Company."
The Hat shot the Palm Pilot a glance, before putting it away.

7:00 PM
Secret Lair of The Hat

The Hat dropped his briefcase on the couch as he walked in, and collapsed right next to it.
"Sounds like you had a great day," Ptery the Pterodactyl said, as he flapped on to a nearby perch.
"Hmm? Yeah, any better, and I would have ended up behind bars."
"You look like you need to unwind."
The Hat, nodded, then got up. "I know exactly the thing. I'll get some gefilte fish from the fridge that we had with dinner yesterday. It was really good."
"Great," the Yuppie said, walking in, as The Hat walked into the kitchen. "Eat away your stress. A perfectly healthy habit."
"WHERE IS IT??" The Hat suddenly shouted from the kitchen. "WHO ATE IT??"
The Hat walked back into the living room, with bloodshot eyes, and a protruding forehead vein. He walked right up to the Yuppie.
"DID YOU?"
The Yuppie put up his hands. "Figment of your imagination. I don't eat."
The Hat turned to Ptery. "AND YOU?"
"Stuffed animal. Made of nylon. Metabolic cost: zero."
"BURNING RAGE POWERS!" The Hat shouted, as he stormed out.
A clock ticking dominated the ensuing silence.
The Yuppie turned to Ptery. "Does he have 'Burning Rage' powers?"
Ptery shrugged. "I don't think now is the best time to bring that point up."
A clock wipe showed the same scene.
The Hat walked in much more calm.
"I played a dangerously violent video game. After busting a few skulls, I feel loads better."
"I found your gefilte fish," Ptery said. "It moved to the freezer."
The Hat stopped in his tracks. He nodded his head.
Suddenly, his cell phone rang.
"Hello, thanks for getting back to me.
"You CAN! That's great.
"Yeah, starting this Wednesday. Thanks again. Have a nice evening."
The Hat put away his phone. "You're right Ptery. Violent video games are the the solution to every problem."
Ptery rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I bet they even fixed your car before the mechanics could touch it."
"Probably," he said, as he walked into the kitchen.
As the sounds of gefilte fish being devoured emanated from the kitchen, the Yuppie turned to Ptery. "You shouldn't encourage him."

Want to contact Greg? E-mail him at Greg.Neyman@gte.net.